J-Line

Tuesday, September 16, 2025

I witnessed somebody get beaten on the metro bus tonight

After the man had exited the bus, I felt an immense sadness at the grip anger had on him; it really was an ugly thing to witness — when someone loses themselves to a feeling rooted in such immense negativity and fury 
 
At the moment, I didn’t act
I was a bit frozen
I had my eyes closed prior and was dozing off
I just saw it happen 
And I was frozen
Because I wasn’t sure what to say or do
And it all happened so quickly
Violence toward him didn’t feel right
I felt the urge to deescalate things with my words
But couldn’t wrap my head around what to say 
Or what I would say
It was a puzzle I couldn’t put together
Because handling an angry person is a delicate thing
I want to preface that I don’t feel bad about not doing anything in that moment 
I believe part of my decision  — because it was a choice, was my intuition telling me not to begin a confrontation when I haven’t developed my own voice to a level where I can maneuver a situation like that adequately and communicate my truth, without the fog.
I realized I’m not fully developed in that sense
To really express how I feel and cancel out hate with love through the power of my words
I want to foster and cultivate the strength of my words and master them.
And I’m not saying that every situation can be diffused with words, but I trust that my intuition will spring me into action when my words can be of use.

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

I meditated on that aspect of myself I knew I needed to improve, and that on many occasions I have hesitated and struggled to express something, and have avoided speaking at all when I really wanted to speak. And I can feel the energetic tension in my jaw, too, when these things happen. It’s a very interesting observation.
Anyways, I focused my breath on my throat chakra and sat with it for a little bit
I came back home to the bus station parking lot to find a parking ticket on my dashboard for $52
I was under the impression that parking was free, as my stepdad had told me. But I wasn’t really upset or worried. I didn’t really want to pay the ticket either, though. I was thinking, would it be selfish if I asked my family for help paying this ticket? I’m not exactly in the best place financially, but I could probably bear it. The point is, I realized I genuinely was unsure of what to do. But instead of being trapped by this thought, I realized I could just use my words and ask from a place of love, curiosity, and trust — “What should I do?” Is what I told them, and my mom went out of her way to say they would help me with the payment. And then we arrived at the topic of mortality, given my grandpa's fight with cancer, my mom was telling me that she doesn’t even know if she can believe in god, with all the pain and suffering in the world, and the cruel acts of god in the Bible. She told me that when we die, she thinks blackness is all there is, kind of like when you go to sleep, but like forever — that nothing else exists. That’s when I had told her I don’t believe that's the case. I elaborated on my beliefs and the concept of returning to the source, that is all, and that to an extent “god” is indifferent, but also that everything happens for a reason, and there’s a thing to learn from every experience. Also, the lessons that are learned from one lifetime to the next. I was very articulate and confident in my words, and for the first time, I opened up to my mom how I see the world, and I believe she understood me as a person just a bit more
I’d like to keep cultivating my voice and speak my truth, whatever it may be, to many others — without fear.